It’s been a long month and we’ve had plenty to talk about. It’s tough to keep up with the news with all that’s been happening. Luckily for you, #QueMag has curated some of the biggest news stories of September 2016 for your reading pleasure.
The Great Indian Kidney Sale
— Surgical Smoking (@SmokingSkills_) September 7, 2016
Apple’s fear of inertia prompted the company to launch a new iPhone this month. But it wasn’t your usual iPhone launch. The 10th iPhone, the iPhone 7, came with a courageous new feature – the removal of the 3.5 mm headphone jack and the addition of their new wireless earphones, ‘Air Buds’. Courage. One small problem though – the phone will set you back roughly Rs 70,000.
Meanwhile, after months of speculation, Coldplay finally announced an Indian tour. Thousands of people discovered that day that they were huge Coldplay fans and that this was what they had been waiting their whole lives for. After waiting with bated breath for tickets, news emerged that they would be sold for upwards of Rs 25,000 each. This prompted outrage across social media and many hearts were broken in ways that even Chris Martin couldn’t fix.
With both these huge expenses – the circle of iPhone owners and the circle of Coldplay fans share a large intersection in the Venn diagram of Privilege – people had to resort to whatever means they could to raise the money. And, of course, everyone came up with the same simple solution – time to sell a kidney. Brilliant in its simplicity, the idea gathered momentum on social media and people tirelessly worked to calculate how much they could get for one kidney and how long they would last with the kidney that would remain once they woke up in a bathtub filled with ice. This discussion was mostly had at bars across the country. The irony.
In the end, however, it turned out that the tickets for Coldplay would be available for as little as Rs 5000. Great news as long as you weren’t behind 60,000 people in the booking queue. And if you did score an affordable ticket – Congratulations! Soon, you will be able to enjoy the musical stylings of our top musicians – Aamir Khan, Ranveer Singh, Katrina Kaif, Arjun Kapoor and Dia Mirza.
Brangelina No More
The sacrifice #Brangelina has made to divert IndiaPak Twitter from triggering Nuclear War is admirable
— Joy (@Joydas) September 20, 2016
Brangelina split up this month. Great news for everyone who hated saying Brangelina, but apparently terrible news for everyone who believed in the sanctity of celebrity marriage. The internet exploded with a bevy of memes and gifs, with some brands even rushing to get in on the fun. #OnceACheaterAlwaysACheater screamed hordes of Friends fans who had waited years to get back at Brad Pitt for leaving Jennifer Aniston, even if she showed no signs of wanting any sort of revenge herself.
But, hey, what kind of fan would we be if we didn’t fight for our idols, right? Meanwhile, everyone conveniently avoided the fact that celebrating Aniston’s vindication at the expense of Jolie, who is likely unhappy that her marriage has fallen apart, is inherently sexist and awful. More so if you’re of the female persuasion.
Fawad Khan Is Tearing Our Nation Apart
I mean who will want to explode bombs and kill innocents if their singers don’t get to sing any item numbers? 8/11
— Rajneesh (@MrMrRajneesh) September 24, 2016
After spending a lot of time studying the complex geopolitical relationship between the two nations, top political party MNS came up with a brilliant solution – deport all Pakistani artistes within the country back to Pakistan. That’ll teach them a lesson!
In the midst of all this madness, stupid sexy Fawad Khan is proving to be the ultimate Pakistani sleeper agent. What Pakistan couldn’t achieve after decades of trying, Fawad has achieved in hardly any time at all – he’s managed to cause us all to start fighting amongst ourselves, thereby causing a rift within the nation. Looks like someone remembers what Britain taught us about divide-and-rule.
Meanwhile, here’s are some other things that we would like to send back to Pakistan: kebabs, Sindhi biriyani, truck art, coke studio Pakistan, kurta-pyjama, the legacy of Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. And, of course, all the people who came across during Partition and helped make our country what it is today.
Like this article? Also read: It’s Not Such a Bad Thing If Your Sun Sign Is Ophiuchus