The Olympics, Akshay Kumar, Shah Rukh Khan and A Flying Jatt – they were all in the news for various reasons. If you haven’t been able to keep up with all of it, we’ve curated a list of the biggest news stories of the month, so that you can keep up with the Jainses. Here’s our round-up, with a little Que flavouring:  

BREAKING NEWS: Brazil Might Be Just As Incompetent As Us!

The big news this month was all about the Olympics which took place in Rio earlier this month, and our athletes did us proud, despite our sporting infrastructure and sports officials doing everything in their power to screw them over. But this isn’t about them. I just want to point out that Brazil did just as bad a job of organising an Olympics as I imagine we would! Huzzah! Their infrastructure was shoddy, allegations of corruption kept flying around, and they were well on their way to being the worst Olympics ever – which is quite the statement since there once was an Olympics in Nazi Germany with Hitler presiding over the tournament.

Hitler news round up august 16 imageWhen they ask you who's the worst person at the Olympics and you point to Vijay Goel.

But then someone in our government remembered that history lesson, where the Indian and Brazilian economy were similar at one point in the past, and they said “Come on, guys, we can’t let them surpass us!” So we sent our worst officials there to ensure that Brazil would not top us in anything – not even allowing them to lay claim to having the worst officials involved in the Olympics. Congratulations to all our Mantrijis for proving to the world that we are still the best screw-ups around! I would tip my hat to you, but you’ve probably already stolen it off the top of my head in the time it took me to write this.  

SOCIAL INTEREST PIECE: Celebrities Are Just Like Us

Earlier this month, Shah Rukh Khan was held up at Los Angeles’ LAX for security screening. This isn't the first time that this has happened, but it didn’t last as long this time – presumably because TSA officials raced against the clock to release SRK, if only to ensure that My Name Is Khan Too won’t be made. Bless their souls. The actor’s fans, however, were up in arms against this unjust treatment of the man who gives them a reason to wake up in the morning. Twitter was filled with angry tweets from people who had plenty to say about the injustice of having a celebrity comply with the rules that the rest of us are subject to.

SRK goel news round up august 16 image Photographed: SRK's biggest fan. Nobody else can even compete.

I bet these are the same people who send out angry tweets about being stuck in traffic jams created by ministers who have the audacity to receive special treatment and hold up traffic. Which is unfair, because at least these ministers were only involved in huge corruption scandals – nothing as bad as Ra.One.  

TOP STORY: Bollywood Has Finally Run Out Of Ideas

Ashutosh Gowariker found another reason to excavate and rehash the past this year with his release, Mohenjo Daro. Unfortunately for him, audiences managed to look past the awe-inspiring sets long enough to think: ‘I know Mohenjo Daro is the oldest civilization in the world, but does it have to be home to the oldest story in the world?’ We’ve seen this same crap countless times before, right?

hrithik news round up august 16 image Gowariker: "People are saying that this won't be a historically accurate film. This scene will prove them wrong!"

Akshay Kumar starred in Rustom in the hope of setting himself apart with a great performance in a serious film. The film, however, had its flaws and probably didn’t quite match his expectations in terms of favourable reviews. So, in a masterful act of distraction, he then quickly announced his next film and, for a few days, (and I can’t believe my life has reached the point where I have to say this) Akshay Kumar’s Crack was on everyone’s lips. Kumar failed to wrest the title of Sultan Of Bollywood from Bhai, but what did he expect? Sultan made over Rs 200 crores at the box office, but we wonder how that happened, especially considering that (once again) Bhai released a movie in which he plays Bhai. Except this time, he was mostly half-naked. I wonder what that says about latent homosexuality in India #ProgressiveTimesWithBhai Luckily for us, we were all saved by the arrival of Bollywood’s most cerebral film (not!) to date, A Flying Jatt.


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